Bring on the Rain

If you cut me, I bleed.

If you hit me, I hurt.

If you push me, I fall.

I'm only human.

    There are so many thoughts running through my head right now that I don't even know where to begin.  If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a fairly open book, so trying to find the right words to say...errr type... is a rare occurrence.  The thing is, I don't want to fly off the handle and say something that I can't take back; however, I know myself well enough to realize that I won't "get over" what's going on until I write it out, so here I go...

    Just because you knew me when I was five, doesn't mean that you can treat me like I still am.  That's all I can say nicely now, so that's all I'm going to say.  This statement applies to so many people that the "you" is intended quite generally.  I feel humiliated, hurt, betrayed, and confused.  The past couple of days have been emotionally taxing, but you live and learn, right? "Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain..."

    

Leaning on His word.

I have been wronged. Now, I realized that we’ve all been mistreated before at some point, but this time is different. Do you remember this post? Well, I got some really good feedback via my blog as well as facebook, and I am so thankful for all the insight. After much prayer and reflection, I began to forgive- even though our communication with these individuals still remains broken. We have not spoken in months and no apology has been made. However, I have had a verse written in my kitchen that I use as my mantra several times a day ; This verse has helped me to forgive even when forgiveness has not been sought:

"…get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice"

Ephesians 4:31

As of recently, a new barrier has surfaced and I am left even more hurt and confused than I was before. My husband, out of love and compassion, spared me from words of anger and bitterness that were said back around the New Year. I am thankful that he had my best interest at heart, but now I find myself stewing over words that were said nearly 3 months ago. Words that no adult has ever said about me- words that are ridiculously untrue and cut me to the core. These are words that no family member should ever utter about another because they cannot be taken back. I realize I should take these remarks with a grain of salt because of the mental state of the persons behind them, but it is so much easier said than done.

I have gotten the tears and self-pitty out of my system, and now I am ready to move on….but how? These persons are a part of our lives, as well as our children’s…or at least they should be. Maybe I ought to be grateful that my children will not be influenced by their negativity, but I’m not at that point yet. I can’t stand that I was so close to “getting over” my anger and bitterness, and now I’m right back where I started.

Please pray, friends, for insight and peace for my husband and myself. As my dad pointed out to me, the only good thing that has come out of this situation is that it definitely has brought us closer in our marriage. We back each other 100% and it feels so good to know that he is on my side- even with “the enemy” being his blood. I thank God daily for the blessing of such a wonderful huband to me and father to our children.

I’ll leave you with a verse that my mom often refers me to- bless her for always knowing what I need to hear!

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Matthew 5:44

Allow me to be frank...

Ok, so everyone knows that that time of the month is less than ((ahem)) fun, but when you're a mom it just plain sucks! The whole "I have killer cramps" bit doesn't earn you a shred of sympathy from two toddlers. Sigh...can I get a heating pad, STAT?

It's just another day in "paradise".

Even the best laid plans go awry.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

No matter how you say it...today's been one of those days!

Despite the horrible night we had with the kids last night (and when I say horrible, I mean both kids wanting me all night, not letting Sean do anything for them, and this is night 4 of such behavior), this morning started off surprisingly well. We usually go to story time at the mall on Wednesday mornings, and need to be dressed and out the door by 9:40 (at the latest) if we're going to make it on time. Today the kids did such a good job of eating their breakfast/watching cartoons while I hopped in the shower and got ready. We were all fed, clothed, and ready to go by 9:30 and I was stoked! We are never early to things, and if you keep reading, you'll find out why!

When I got everything together and ready to go, I realized that Sean had William's booster in his vehicle. We did, however, have an extra car seat that I could install, provided the kids cooperated and watched from the storm-door. After about 10 minutes I successfully installed the car seat and we were on our way to the mall! Wait. Crap. Gas light just came on. Oh well, we're never going to make it if we stop!

A few minutes after 10:00 (starting time for story time) we pulled into the garage and, due to lack of parking, we had to park on the roof. Luckily I got a spot right next to the elevator! I popped the trunk to get the double stroller out and...what?!?! NO STROLLER! You have got to be kidding me! At least I parked right next to the elevator, right? That would be a help if that elevator was in service! So with the diaper bag on one arm, Madelyn on the other, and William holding my hand, we hoofed if over to the next closest elevator...about 50 yards away.

We finally made it to story time just to find that everyone and their brother had the same idea as we did. There was no place to park the stroller I didn't have, let alone room to sit. Our friends that we were meeting there had decided that it was just too packed for them too, so we made our way over to the play port. I had a few errands to run afterwards and thought that maybe the kids would be able to hang for just a few minutes without the stroller.

William was thrilled that we could ride the escalator this time because we did not have the stroller so I had him step on it first, and as soon as I got on it, he decided to hop off! So there we were, getting further away form each other by the second! My "baby" standing at the top, while I got carried further and further away. He was rightfully terrified and I kept telling him that as soon as I got to the bottom, I would come right back up. I kept hoping a mama would come by and hold his hand until I got there, but the only people that walked by were 20-something men who said things like, "look like you've got your hands full" and "oh man, look at you!". Seriously?! Help a sista out instead of making comments that don't help in the least, would ya!

We finally made it to the few stores that I needed to pop in and on our way to the car, a man at the information desk proceeded to ask if I needed to use one of their strollers because it looked like "I could use one", and afterall, they were free.

Ahhh....such is my life.

If we had a dog house, he'd be in it...

...but since we don't, can I change the location to a shed? That, we have!

Why am I putting my husband outside, you ask? Let me just say that he made a bad move last night. Couple that with getting around 3 hours sleep and the day I'm having so far, and I've decided that he's in trouble!

Last night Madelyn came into our bed around 2:30 to nurse and then we both dozed off after her late night snack. Around 3:00 I awoke to her projectile vomiting all over me. Now, when I say all over me, I mean ALL. OVER. ME. She puked in my hair, on my shirt, on my pillow, ON MY FACE. Normally my kid's vomit doesn't really bother me, but this case was particularly putrid. I seriously thought I was going to loose my lunch too.

Now, where does the hubs come into play? Well, while the vom-fest was going on, I was trying to get Sean's attention without making Madelyn upset. Now, Sean is an extremely deep sleeper and I usually have to shake/kick/yell at him to wake him up. Since Madelyn was already upset, I didn't want to exacerbate the situation and also wake up William. Subtle words were not getting his attention, so I was getting frustrated. When he finally did "come to", instead of helping me, he left me marinating in my baby's barf and changed his own shirt. SERIOUSLY?! He said that he had a cold sweat and nothing was worse than having a wet shirt. Really? Nothing's worse than that?

I beg to differ.

What's a girl to do?

I am frustrated. I have been this way for the past month or so, but haven't yet put it to words. To be honest, I don't know if venting will even help, but I guess it's worth a shot because all I do is dwell on the subject. There was a disagreement with two family members that completely blew up. Who knew something so simple could turn into such a dispute! We haven't heard from said persons in a month. It hurts me that they did not send Madelyn a card, nor did they call on her Birthday. How can these individuals who are supposed to be close to my baby be so distant? How could they let their feelings for us get in the way of how they treat our daughter? I realize that I should focus on all the wonderful people who adore our children, but I can't help wonder why things are the way they are. I need advice. I need council. I need someone to help me understand why. Any takers?

I have prayed many hours for insight but, for the life of me, I still don't know what to do. I guess there is nothing "to do" when the ball's not in your court, right? I've never been good at arguments. I usually always cave so that the fight can go ahead and be over. I don't like things being unsettled and that's exactly what they are right now. I can't make this better because it's not something I can control. I don't know how to move forward when I hold so much anger. Telling them how I feel gets me nowhere, because if I don't agree with them, then they get mad and don't talk to us for months. William asks about these individuals all the time and I don't know what to say. How do I defend someone who clearly needs to "step it up"?

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? How do you move on when there is no communication? How do you begin to communicate when everything has been said?


Please. Thank you. Goodnight :)


Erin