Anyway, after months of praying and going back and forth with whether or not I should resume taking it, I finally broke down and called my midwife's office. I filled them in on how stressful the past months have been, that I have constant worry and anxiety and it's more than I can handle. After talking for some time, we decided on resuming, but at a 50 mg. dosage rather than the 100 mg. I expressed my worry about being on it too long because we do want more kids (at some point) and I don't want to be on it through my pregnancy (but I also don't want to go through all the withdraws and then get hit with pregnancy symptoms either).
I hate being dependent on a drug. It's such a horrible feeling to think that you are having trouble handling this life for one reason or another, and you need to rely on a medication to help you through it. Then I started to think, "I'm a Christian, and my faith is stronger now that it's ever been...why do I feel such a gut-wrenching worry all the time? Is my faith not as strong as it should be?". I know that I cannot handle this life alone, which is why I walk with the Lord. If I walk with Him, why do I need this medicine to help me cope? Why is reading His word and praying not enough? These aren't rhetorical questions, so please feel free to shoot me your thoughts! I'd also appreciate your prayers as I try to find a nice balance. You guys rock!
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI dont know what you are facing. I can only speak from my experience. For 15 or 20 years of my marriage to Jeff, it has been one financial struggle after another, one failed business after another (mostly because of his Dad), missed paychecks, more personal debt because of another failed business, etc... About a year ago I had reached the point where I couldnt take it anymore and was fed up, wishing I had never married Jeff (or his family). Sounds horrible I know. I was depressed and very angry. I had been angry already for years. I talked to my Pastor about it. Then, one morning I went to the altar and my Pastor came up to me and asked if he could pray for me. He closed his eyes for a moment and then said, "The Lord wants me to tell you that if you spend time every day praising & worshipping him, in 90 days you will see a change." Some christians dont believe in prophecy, but I grew up seeing the hand of God in peoples lives after my Dad (a minister) told them what God wanted them to know. I heard stories from my Dad of how peoples lives changed. When I left church that Sunday morning I did exactly what my Pastor told me. Most of the time it was in my car listening to christian CD's with Singleton in the back. I sang and cried, told the Lord how much I loved him, how awesome he is, how amazing he is. I thanked him for the blessings (I didnt feel too blessed), thanked him for dying on the cross for me and for loving me. It got to the point where I needed & wanted that time with him. I could tell a difference in my attitude. My Pastor has always said that when you make God/Lord bigger than your circumstances, thats when you see change. Every day I said these same things to the Lord and thought he must be getting tired of me saying the same things over and over, but I am his child so why would he get tired of hearing every day that I love him and how wonderful he is. Well, in less than 90 days Jeff was offered a promotion and things have been getting better since then. Now, I truly believe that when we make him bigger than our circumstances and keep our focus on him, our circumstances become smaller and that is when we see change. It worked for me and I know that it will work for you. Love ya, Kim