Bittersweet

Madelyn has self-weaned.  I have mixed feelings about this.  Part of me is thrilled to have my body completely back to myself after exactly four years (I got pregnant with William in July of 2007 and since then I have either been pregnant, nursing, or both).  I don't remember what it's like to not have either a baby growing inside me or giving nourishment to one.

For the past few months Madelyn's only been nursing once or twice a day, usually at bedtime or first thing in the morning.  Then it turned into once every few days to get her back to sleep when she wakes up too early.  This week Madelyn has denied every single offer to nurse.  Once she even shook her head "no" and pointed at the sippy cup on my bedside table...now if that doesn't mean "get that thing away from me", I don't know what does!

So here I am, just me and my body, wondering why there is a twinge of sadness within.  You'd think I'd be happy to have my hormones level out and shed a few "milk producing" pounds, but all I can think about is the fact that my baby's not such a baby anymore.  I don't even remember the last time we did share our special bond, and that makes me sad.  Oh, Mads, where did the time go?

With William, I felt more guilt than anything because I could no longer nurse him and be pregnant with his sister simultaneously...and it wasn't like I was going to kick her out! I felt like I cut him off, but could still justify it because of the "new baby".  Well, now there's not an addition taking her place (and I sooooo do not want that right now) and it just feels weird.  Don't get me wrong, there's definitely a sigh of relief being let as we speak I type, but the twinge is still there.  I guess that's why I titled this post "bittersweet", because it definitely is.